April 19, 2007

Sooo.. and the road once traveled is traveled once more.

People always say that pregnancy is such a joyous thing. You have a glow and it's just amazing. Well as amazing as it may be, I dont think they have ever driven the road Ive been on the last few years.

Our first pregnancy was in 2003, and as scary as it was, I was so excited to be a mom. I yelled it out to the world and told everyone who would listen. To only then have it shattered when I miscarried at 10 weeks.

Our second pregnancy was in 2005, and as excited as I was I was even more scared. We told a few people until I got past 10 weeks then once again I told everyone. What was the harm after 13 weeks I thought. We are now in our second trimester and what could go wrong. Famous last words.
I hit 20 weeks and went into full labor. Long story short, my son was born at 20 weeks, Charles Preston 06/23/05 15 ounces and 9 1/2 inches long, and although alive, soon passed due to immaturity. This was the biggest heart break and worst thing to ever happen to me in my life. I don't wish the loss of a child on anyone ever. It's just wrong. It took me a long time to get it together but I did the best I could.

In March or 2006 i found myself once again pregnant and this time I was too scared to be excited. I got a high risk specialist, did everything they told me, had ultrasounds every appointment and even started to see the doc every week once I hit 18 week. Then we passed 20 weeks and there was a bit of relief. However I knew from the past that this baby had to be at the very least 24 weeks for him to have a chance and even then it's a slim chance.
So we progressed along and I went in for my 24 week appt. Now finally a bit more relaxed since I thought in my head it's smooth sailing from here. (silly girl I was) Well the doc comes in we talk, she checks me and I'm 2 cm dialted.. WHAT!!! not again.

So I'm put on bed rest, no walkign , no sitting up, no nothing. Bed or couch, laying down on a perm basis and hanging out til this baby comes. We hoped for 6 weeks, we got 3 days.
Aiden Kristopher was born at 24 weeks, 3 days 06/11/06 1 pound 6 1/2 ounces and 12 1/2 inches long. He was so tiny to them but so big to me compared to Chase.

Aiden spent 150 days in the NICU and by the grace of god is here with us today. (if interested you can read more at www.aidenkristopher.blogspot.com )

Now it's 2007 and guess what.. Yeah you guessed it, we are pregnant again. Why else would I be blogging. And to our surprise it's TWINS! This came as a big shock cause we didn't expect that at all. Of course you joke about it but I never really thought there could be two babies in there until my 8 week appointment and the doc did an ultrasound. Umm yeah I saw two and said it before she could even confirm. I was in awe!

Our plan.. Besides being scared to my wits end, we are taking one day at a time.
I just had my 12 week appointment yesterday and both babies look fine and the heartbeats are strong.

Tomorrow we have a cerclage planned and that is a procedure they do in the OR to stitch your cervix. They are hoping this will keep me from going into pre term labor and dialating to early.

However here is the kicker that I struggle with. Yesterday at my appointment the doc gave me the option to have selective reduction. For those of you who don't know what this is, it is when they go in and "reduce" the number of babies you are carrying. Most common it is done with people who have 4, 5, or 6 in there.. Sometimes with triplets too.
In my case it was offered due to my history, it would give me a much better chance to have a full term healthy baby it I was to carry just one.

But how do you choose. How do you choose to abort one and keep one. Obviously I said no, and I know for some people that might sound selfish cause I am taking the chance away for one baby to have a healthy long pregnancy. But in my heart I just can't do it.

The struggle isn't the question of what I feel is right, it's the question of what is right, and who is to decide that. Am I being selfish? Am I putting both babies at risk because I choose not to take the life away from the other? In a sense, yes, I guess I am.

But if you were in my shoes and saw your babies on ultrasound, and knew as of right now they were both doing good. That this all happed naturally and in a sense is a amazing in it's own. How do you do it. How do you keep one and not both. How do you not give both the best chance you can give them?

I know the doctors study medicine and they try to give you all the best options. I know this option would give me the best chance to carry longer, but it's not with out risk either. There is a chance after the fact that you could miscarry the other baby and that is something else i could not live with.

So this is my story.. My walk down a long bumpy road.. One day at a time..